I’m Not Crazy…

I’m not crazy, but I hear voices in my head.

On certain days, I hear the shrill pitch of the “Bitchtator” – a feisty, aggressive shrew who goose steps about in my brain,  filling it with mean and controlling thoughts. She cruelly informs me that I am lazy,  weak,  and will never amount to anything. She likes to point out all my flaws. Over and over and over.  And when she’s really feeling sadistic, she tells me I am ordinary.

The Bitchtator harshes on my mellow big time.

On certain other days, I hear Sweet Petunia, my Lizard Brain.  I seem to have given her her very own radio show. She broadcasts on an AM station and – while the quality of the message is in mono – her signal can be pretty strong sometimes. Her show is called, “You’ll Never Have Enough, You’ll Die Alone, and Besides, People are Out to Get You…” She loves to inform me how I will never have enough love or money and that the world is against me. She loves a good conspiracy theory.

Sweet Petunia is the fearful sort and tends to catastrophize things.

Photo by Phil Bennett (c) 2009

Photo by Phil Bennett (c) 2009

Lately, I’m working on hearing more and more from a new and different voice, my authentic voice. Let’s call her “Booger Buns”. Booger Buns says kind things to me. She takes the mean things that the Bitchtator says or the fearful broadcasts from Sweet Petunia and examines them for their truth.  What makes Booger Buns so special is that she knows the thoughts or beliefs that make me feel bad are never true.

You see, Booger Buns is the epitome of unconditional self-love.

She is teaching me how to recognize my innate qualities as gifts.

She has taught me to say “I love that about myself” and mean it.

And the things that I can’t say that I love about myself? She reminds me that I have the power to change them.

She knows that you can’t fall off the wagon. There is no wagon.

She never hopes, she always believes.

She is a warm hug on the perfect day of your ideal life.

Her words are melody. Her laughter, the refrain. Her voice, my mother’s.

She tells Sweet Petunia that while she appreciates the concern, there is nothing to worry about…

And she can kick the Bitchtator’s ass. Every time.